Letters to Eisley | 11.7.12 |

It's been a week.
A week since I felt you move.
A week since we found out you were gone.
This week has been hard and very strange. I miss you, baby girl. I miss you, Eisley Mei.
I never knew that I could experience so much pain and heartache, but at the same time, peace and joy. There's no better sight than the one that the Lord showed me as we left the hospital, empty-handed.
We had to say goodbye, but he showed me your spirit. What a beautiful and perfect girl you are! It's amazing to see you dancing. I only wish that I got to see it in person every day.
My hope is in Jesus and that I will dance with you someday in the presence of our Savior and Heavenly Father.
Of course there have been times that I think of how it could be different. The pain in my body is a constant reminder of the labor I went through, yet I have no baby here in my arms. We had been planning and waiting for you for over 34 weeks. It's so weird to go through labor and childbirth and not have you here to care for. But I find comfort in the fact that you are perfectly cared for in a place where there are no tears and no pain. I cannot wait to meet you in that place!
Today has been hard, easier than I expected, but still hard. I had to go back to school today. Life doesn't stop for anyone or anything. I feel like I'm being shoved back in. I don't want to have to keep moving, but I do.
It's not going to be easy.
I will miss you every day.
I will miss you until I meet you in eternity.

You have all my love, Eisley Mei.
xoxo
Momma



read the intro to this post: here

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Letters to Eisley | intro |

This series will be letters that I wrote shortly after losing our daughter, Eisley.
They are few.
They are short.
They are the cries of my heart.

I hope that these letters will bring to light some of the thoughts and emotions that parents feel after losing a child. Those very real emotions that are, far too often, swept under the rug as we're told to "move on."

If you have every experienced the death of a child, whether it be miscarriage, stillborn, infant/child death; I hope that these letters will help. I hope that they will show you that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

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Starting off on a weird note...

I thought I would start off my blog with a little weirdness about myself. I was homeschooled from Pre-K through high school. Here are results of a little quiz that I took to show just how "homeschooled" I was.

// You know you're a homeschooler if...

Growing up/now 
[x] Own/have owned a denim jumper 
[x] You were at least 13 when you got your first "trendy" haircut 
[x] Everything in your closet at some time was referred to as modest 
[ ] You do/have tucked things in that shouldn't be tucked in 
[ ] You have been a member of at least 3 co-ops 
[ ] Your mom drives a van of some sort 
[ ] You have at least one childhood picture where you, your mom, and all you siblings matched 
[ ] You are/were/will be a PSEO Student 
[x] At some point in your life you were more comfortable with adults than kids your own age 
[x] Have studied ways to defend your beliefs, debate, and/or create laws 
[x] Used uber conservative ABeka curriculum 
Total: 6 

[ ] You use big words that most adults could not use in conversation 
[x] You can use the words sublime, epiphany, and cognizant correctly 
[x] You have a favorite word. 
[ ] You have an understanding of Latin root words and how to use them 
[x] People from the outside world are referred to as "public schoolers" 
[x] You or one of your siblings knits. 
[x] You laugh at the decline in literacy in America 
[x] You score constantly higher than "public schoolers" on standardized tests. 
[x] You have no concept of cafeteria food 
[x] Family vacations are/ can be referred to as "Field Trips" 
[x] Traveling on said vacations have included stopping at historical site markers along the way 
[x] You have never been in a public elementary school, middle school, or high school during regular school hours (any or all of the above) 
[x] You have gone to or been involved in a homeschool convention 
Total so far: 17 

[x] You read books on a regular basis. 
[ ] You have taken part in a political protest 
[x] You were a Pride and Prejudice fan before the movie 
[x] You were a Lord of the Rings fan prior to the movie 
[x] You were a Chronicles of Narnia fan before the movie 
[ ] You speak a language other than English 
[ ] You dream of dating characters from books instead of celebrities 
Total so far: 21 

It is (has been) assumed that you:.... 
[ ] Have won many spelling bees 
[x] Have no social life 
[ ] Have no friends of the opposite gender 
[x] Are outstandingly smart 
[ ] Are extremely inept 
[ ] Only listen to classical music 
[ ] Play piano or the violin 
[ ] Do not own a pair of trendy jeans. 
[x] Have no knowledge of drugs or alcohol 
[ ] Don't date, only court. 
[x] Have never been to a "party" 
[x] Know no other beliefs other than what your family believes 
Total so far: 26 

You have been asked more than 10 times: 
[x] If you wear pajamas to school 
[ ] If you get perfect grades because your mom grades you 
[x] If your mom teaches you or if somebody else's mom does 
[x] How do you meet people 
[x] Why you aren't in school 
[x] If you get days off whenever you want 
[x] If you're going to be homeschooled through college 
[x] If you have a big family 
[x] What your parents are protecting you from 
[ ] To quote something famous 
[x] For the answer, because supposedly homeschoolers always have all the answers 
Total so far: 35 

You have rebelled by: 
[x] Listening to "worldly music" 
[x] Wearing black fingernail polish 
[x] Watching a *gasp* PG-13 movie 
[x] Listening to music with a beat (Christian or otherwise) 
[x] Dancing. Especially dances that involve contact for longer than 2 seconds. With somebody of the opposite gender. Scandalous!!! 
Total: 40 


1-10 You're not really a homeschooler...you just do school at home 
11-21 You're a homeschooler, but not what the world expects 
22-32 You're a homeschooler 
33-? You probably wouldn't have facebook to begin with...but congrats you're the stereotypical homeschooler 

There you have it. I am a stereotypical homeschooler.

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