Disclaimer: I pray that you would see the struggle, the fears, the thoughts and the feelings that I had at the time and know that they were legitimate. Also know that I am extremely grateful for all of the blessings the Father has given us. Including our boys. Yes, one of the greatest desires of my heart is to have another daughter, but I love both of our boys with every thing that I am. I didn't want to leave words out in fear of someone thinking wrongly of me or my intentions. I want to be real.
It's been a while.
The holidays were extremely hard without you.
I still have a hard time going somewhere. Not having to, or getting to, care for you...making sure we have everything that we need. Every time we leave the house, I have that feeling that I'm forgetting something. It's because I don't have you.
Not too long ago, Dad and I found out that we're going to have another baby. I'm so scared and excited. I can't go through this again. What if it's a boy? What if I never have another baby girl? I know it's silly to worry because God has blessed us. I feel like it should be a girl. I don't want to get my hopes up, but they are already up. I never longed for a daughter so much... until we found out that you were a girl. Now that I don't have you, my heart aches for a daughter even more.
I miss you so much... every day.
Today was a really hard day for me. I was thinking of you all day and of my grandpa, your Great-Pappy. His health with ALS is declining rapidly. We plan to go see him; we leave Thursday. We are just praying that he makes it until then.
I heard my Chris Tomlin song (I Will Rise) as we drove Nana to the airport. I could only think of you ( as I do every time I hear it) and of how Pappy will be joining you soon. You will have some good laughs with him. I hope you dance with him too.
I have never longed for Heaven more than I do now. I'm jealous that Pappy will meet you and Jesus before I will.
I love you, baby girl.
You're a big sister!
xoxo Momma
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