Why I Love My Wedding Ring

So, I have this beautiful ring on my finger and sometimes I just stare at it. I can't help it. It's gorgeous! Lately it has me thinking about all the things it means to me and how much I really treasure it.

I could go on for days with reasons why I love this ring, but I decided to share just 5 of them.

1 | Memory

We bought this ring, along with my husband's beautiful, Koa ring, on our recent trip to Kaua'i. It was one of the best vacations that I never dreamed of going on. When we bought the ring at the jewelers we got to do the ceremonial choosing and opening of the oyster… the whole deal. Awkward for my introvertedness, but so much fun! My ring will forever be a memory of an amazing trip that my husband and I got to share with each other, our kids and my family. I never want to forget the time that we spent there and I am so thankful to have this beautiful reminder sitting on my finger daily.

2 | Want

This ring is everything I've ever wanted AND my husband helped me find it! It was one of those times that he knew me better than I knew myself. Right when the jeweler had me try it on (it fit perfectly by the way) we both knew it was "the one." First of all, it's main feature is a pearl. Pearls have always been my favorite! I've never been much of a diamond kind of girl. Now, I obviously won't pass up diamonds when given to me, but it wasn't my first choice. Besides, the ring has 2 small diamonds, so I get both! Also, the pearl just happens to be my favorite shade! In some lighting it's more pink and in others it's darker, like violet. Lastly, the ring is made of rose gold, which I absolutely LOVE! Bonus, we bought it for less than we budgeted for. Praise the LORD.

3 | Need

I needed a wedding ring. When I say "need" I mean like "first-world problems" need or emotional need. Of course I don't have to have a ring to prove that I'm married, but it is a really big deal to me. My wedding band has been broken for almost two years now. It was devastating to me. I hated not having one, but I knew that I didn't want to waste money on "just a ring" so I decided to wait for the right one. For a long time I just wore whatever rings that would fit, but there wasn't anything special about those rings. They were intended for other purposes or were rings that were passed down to me. They weren't from my husband, to me, symbolizing our marriage. Also, I never had an engagement ring. We got married quickly and I was okay with it. I never complained about not getting one. Little did I know how much of an emotional need it really was for me and how fulfilling it would be to finally get one. When I first got to wear this ring around, I was ecstatic! I still am! I don't even like taking it off when I'm showering or cleaning. I'm obsessed!

 "I hold my marriage deep in my soul and will strive for it and in it all the days of my life."

4 | Commitment

One of the reasons why my ring means so much to me is because it symbolizes my marriage. My marriage is sacred to me. The commitment that I made to God and my husband on our wedding day is one of the most important decisions of my life, second only to salvation. I hold my marriage deep in my soul and will strive for it and in it all the days of my life. Being married has been one of the greatest blessings I have ever received. It has drawn me closer to my husband and to God. Plus, I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend… who just happens to be super attractive.

5 | Re-commitment

While our marriage has seen many times of great joy, it has also seen much heartache. There have been many struggles in our life and marriage that could have easily driven us apart… and some did for a little while. But we have always set aside pride, changed what needed to be changed and re-committed ourselves to one another. More recently, we have been going through one of those seasons of re-commitment; having to choose to love, forgive and trust. Love and marriage has always been a choice and it always will be. Sometimes that choice has been easy and sometimes not so much, but it has always been worth it! My wedding ring is a simple, visual reminder of that choice. A reminder that I needed and am grateful that the Lord provided. 

I love my husband and I love being married! We are constantly growing and learning. I believe any point in a marriage can be like the "honeymoon" phase and we've embraced that recently. We have reignited our love and affection for each other. We have continued to choose each other and to love deeper. It has left me ridiculously giddy and utterly "twitterpated."

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Breastfeeding is Hard

Can I just be real for a moment?
Nursing, exclusively breastfeeding, is hard work.
There has been a point in each of my nursing journeys that I started wishing that it could come to an end. GASP! I know, right? I must be crazy.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love providing them with what they need. For us, breastfeeding has always been the best choice because I knew that I could do it, no matter what. BONUS, it's free (Thank the Lord because he knew we needed that.)! It has been such a blessing in more ways than one, but nursing is no joke! It has been extremely difficult for me. Especially this time around.

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Father's Day Revealed : What True Love Looks Like

     I am blessed beyond measure and beyond what I deserve. The work and growth that the Lord has done in, and through, my husband is amazing.

     Ten years ago, he probably wouldn't have expected to get married when he did, let alone be a father of 4 at age 25. I'm sure he never anticipated being the father that he is and I know he never could have prepared for losing a child. Regardless of the plans and expectations he may have had, he has committed to growing in whatever situation God has placed him in.

     Words cannot express my love, gratitude, pride and respect for my man. He is constantly putting others before himself, sacrificing his time (including going to work on Father's Day), and he is teaching me, and our littles, to do the same. 

     Just as Christ did not come to be served, but to serve (Matthew 20:28), we should learn to serve others in the same sacrificial way. My husband has given our family one of the best examples of that servanthood -- a Father's Day tradition that he started two years ago. It inevitably leaves me with all the feels and in tears (of joy). 

P R O C E S S

     He sits us down, one-by-one, starting with the youngest and ending with me, his wifey. He tells each of us things he loves about us and ways that he is proud of us. He also makes a commitment to speak our "love language," to show us love in different ways as we individually need. He then proceeds to wash each of our feet.

     Some of you may be thinking that it's weird, disgusting or degrading, but let me tell you what it means to us. 

M E A N I N G

     He has decided to lay down his self-seeking pride to love and serve others. It is such a beautiful picture of the love that God has for us. It's an act of service that Christ himself performed for his disciples and encouraged us to do for others.

        When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. -- John 13:12-17  

2O15 E X P E R I E N C E

     This year's Father's Day was looking extremely different for us with our youngest being in the NICU (because she decided to come 3 months early), but that didn't stop Dean from pursuing his tradition.
     We had no idea what that day was going to look like or if we would even be able to have our kids together. The Lord has blessed us with a hospital staff that is, not only tolerant, but encouraging. We were able to continue with the tradition, despite our daughter being hooked to multiple machines and our youngest son not being allowed in her room. We were given an exception, just this once, for "religious reasons."
     It was as beautiful as it always has been and I was able to snap a few pictures this year.

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"Do you want a boy or girl?" // Why this question is not okay

If you, or your partner, has ever been pregnant, you have been asked the question:

"Do you want the baby to be a boy or a girl?"

Can we just stop pretending that this is an appropriate question to ask moms/couples?
I find myself kind of irritated when I, or another mom, is asked this.
To me, the question seems highly inappropriate for many reasons, but, personally, for two main reasons...

It's irrelevant.
Whether or not I would prefer one gender over another doesn't really matter. The child's gender has already been predetermined before conception. I couldn't change it even if I wanted to. I guarantee that when you ask this question to moms/parents, 99% of the time, you will get an answer similar to this: "I don't really mind, I just want a healthy baby." THAT'S IT. That's all I really want. When you are carrying a human life inside of you, you're not really concerned if it is a boy or girl. Sure, you might have dreams or visions of how it would be, but when it comes down to it, having a successful pregnancy is the main priority.

It's personal.
For me, this question is very invasive. Asking me if I want a boy or girl (along with telling me, "You need a girl!" I know. I am fully aware that I have two boys.) can make me feel so many different ways. It is a gateway to a flood of different emotions inside of me. It brings up joy, excitement, and hope. But also anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment, and hurt. These emotions don't just come from my overly-sensitive, pregnant self. These emotions are also coming from my experience in losing a child; losing my daughter. I love our two boys with everything in me and wouldn't change them for the world! I love having boys and I'm glad that we have two strong, smart and caring big brothers for the sibling(s) to come. But I also miss our daughter terribly... every day. Of course, I would love to have another girl, but after losing a child at 34.5 weeks pregnant, I REALLY just want a healthy baby. Whether I want a girl or not, won't change anything. And it's really not a fun question to have to answer.

However, if you must ask something...
 a  slightly more appropriate alternative to ask the mom/parents would be:
"What do you think the baby is?" 
I don't mind answering this question. It's less personal. It's my opinion rather than something that dives deep down into my soul.  I can answer honestly, if I have a hunch, or with an "I don't know." You'll probably get both, most of the time. And although I'm usually a tiny bit uncertain, I've been right 3/3 times.

The Lord knows us and knows our needs and I am confident in His plan for us. Even if it means 5 boys...

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If we will follow Him...

//
This morning, I was watching Veggie Tales with my boys and the Lord was speaking to me through Josh and the Big Wall.
//
The first thing that they said that hit me was, "Sometimes God's plan doesn't make sense."
Which is very, very true. The things that the Lord has been pulling us to lately, don't make sense in too many ways. They don't seem like the "smart" thing to do or the "normal" thing to do. His plan is so far outside of what our plan is. It's so far outside that it doesn't even look like a PLAN. It just looks crazy.
This is really hard for me to grasp, guys. If you know me at all, you know that I am a very detailed-oriented kind of planner. I have a hard time when plans get changed. I have a hard time with feeling out of control. That's where God steps in and tells me, "I got this" (he has to tell me that a lot).

It is extremely difficult to step out and completely trust that He's got this even when it looks so crazy. Which brings on another point from Veggie Tales:

The Lord has given this land to us,
No need to fuss.
He knows what he's doing. 
We know that he will take care of us,
If we will follow him.

Our culture has shaped us. It has taught our nature to be self-reliant. Letting go of that control and trusting that the Lord is going to take care of our needs is very hard. It's scary. Especially when it has to do with finances. Trusting that the Lord will provide financially is one of the hardest hurdles to overcome in many cases. Do I really know and believe that he will take care of us if we follow him there? Knowing me, I will wander around and distract myself with other options thinking that there's a better one. Like I said, I'm a planner and I like to weigh the options.
But at the end of the day, he gently reminds me, "Yes. He does provide." He has been so faithful to provide for us, in big and small ways, over our short 4 1/2 years of marriage. Not just financially and with our physical needs, but emotionally and spiritually. He has never left us. Even in the times that it looked like he did because we were doing what we thought was best.

So why is it so hard to follow him to another city, state or country? Why is it so hard to follow where there is no job security or family near by? Why is it so hard to be faithful to him when he has been, and will be, faithful to us countless times? Because it's uncomfortable and we will be completely out of control.
// We know that he will take care of us, if we will follow him. I will sing that Veggie Tales song every day if I have to. If that's what it takes to prepare my heart for trusting His plan even when it doesn't make sense.

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25 Books of Christmas

I wanted to share with you a simple and fun Christmas countdown that I'm doing with the boys! I saw an idea similar to this on Pinterest a while ago and decided to take it on.

We will be initiating the 25 Books of Christmas countdown.
Each day in December, from the 1st until the 25th (Christmas), the boys will open one book that we will read together. It will be a tradition for years to come and can be adjusted as the boys get older.

25 BOOKS?! Isn't that expensive? Well, it definitely can be expensive, but if you don't mind garage sale-ing or thrift book shopping, it doesn't have to be. A few of the books that I am using are Christmas books that we already owned and have only read once or twice. About a third of the books are used books that I bought at garage sales and used books stores. It's also something that you can get the family involved with! I had a few family members that were excited to help us out and buy some of the books for the boys! With the help from family and buying used, my total costs were under $40. To save money in the years to come, I will use most of the same books, but add a few new ones to keep it fun.

I decided to use a majority of Christmas themed books and a few others. You could use any genre of books depending on your kiddo's interests. Since my boys are young and I will be reading the books to them, I leaned towards fun, interactive books and easy reads.

At the end of this year's edition of 25 Books of Christmas, I will post some feedback and a completed list of the books that we used!

I will do my best to share the book that we are reading each day and Eli's opinions of them.
If I can get my Instagram feed incorporated into this blog, then you will see the daily posts here.
If not, just follow me on Instagram: @captaintay

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Letters to Eisley | 2.16.13 |

Disclaimer: I pray that you would see the struggle, the fears, the thoughts and the feelings that I had at the time and know that they were legitimate. Also know that I am extremely grateful for all of the blessings the Father has given us. Including our boys. Yes, one of the greatest desires of my heart is to have another daughter, but I love both of our boys with every thing that I am. I didn't want to leave words out in fear of someone thinking wrongly of me or my intentions. I want to be real.

It's been a while.

The holidays were extremely hard without you.

I still have a hard time going somewhere. Not having to, or getting to, care for you...making sure we have everything that we need. Every time we leave the house, I have that feeling that I'm forgetting something. It's because I don't have you.

Not too long ago, Dad and I found out that we're going to have another baby. I'm so scared and excited. I can't go through this again. What if it's a boy? What if I never have another baby girl? I know it's silly to worry because God has blessed us. I feel like it should be a girl. I don't want to get my hopes up, but they are already up. I never longed for a daughter so much... until we found out that you were a girl. Now that I don't have you, my heart aches for a daughter even more.

I miss you so much... every day.

Today was a really hard day for me. I was thinking of you all day and of my grandpa, your Great-Pappy. His health with ALS is declining rapidly. We plan to go see him; we leave Thursday. We are just praying that he makes it until then.

I heard my Chris Tomlin song (I Will Rise) as we drove Nana to the airport. I could only think of you ( as I do every time I hear it) and of how Pappy will be joining you soon. You will have some good laughs with him. I hope you dance with him too.

I have never longed for Heaven more than I do now. I'm jealous that Pappy will meet you and Jesus before I will.

I love you, baby girl.

You're a big sister!

xoxo Momma

read the previous letter here

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Letters to Eisley | 11.30.12 |

I got through my birthday without crying! 

That doesn't mean that I wasn't sad though.

God just really protected my mind and gave me great strength yesterday. I got to relax all day and had a nice dinner with our family.

It was a good day. 

Today I bought a shadow box to put some of your things in. Daddy and I will put it in our room so that we can always remember the time that we got to spend with you.

I still can't believe this has happened.

It seems like such a blur.

It seems like ages, yet it's been four weeks.

I miss you, love.

xoxo

Momma

read the previous letter here

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Letters to Eisley | 11.29.12 |

Today is my birthday.

It's such a hard day.

I don't really know how to celebrate because you should be here.

You should be sharing this day with us.

Perhaps you would have been born today and we would share and celebrate this day forever.

I miss you so much, Eisley. It's not fair that I have to miss you. Especially today.

I'm just thankful that God is taking care of you... and all of us.

Know that Daddy and I love you very much.

We miss you like crazy.

xoxo

Momma

read the previous letter here

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Letters to Eisley | 11.15.12 |

It was two weeks ago today
that I gave birth to you.
Yesterday we went to the funeral home to arrange things for your earthly body. It was really hard for me. I constantly have to give you up. I don't want to. It's not fair.

We bought you a special dress to be dressed in and sent a blanket and family picture along with it.
I also printed out a picture of you from the first time I held you. When I hold the picture, it's almost like I'm holding you again.
It's such a perfect picture that's a perfect reminder that you are now forever perfect.

I hate that you're so far away.
I miss you so much and I really can't wait to see you again soon.

xoxo
Momma



read the previous letter here

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Letters to Eisley | 11.7.12 |

It's been a week.
A week since I felt you move.
A week since we found out you were gone.
This week has been hard and very strange. I miss you, baby girl. I miss you, Eisley Mei.
I never knew that I could experience so much pain and heartache, but at the same time, peace and joy. There's no better sight than the one that the Lord showed me as we left the hospital, empty-handed.
We had to say goodbye, but he showed me your spirit. What a beautiful and perfect girl you are! It's amazing to see you dancing. I only wish that I got to see it in person every day.
My hope is in Jesus and that I will dance with you someday in the presence of our Savior and Heavenly Father.
Of course there have been times that I think of how it could be different. The pain in my body is a constant reminder of the labor I went through, yet I have no baby here in my arms. We had been planning and waiting for you for over 34 weeks. It's so weird to go through labor and childbirth and not have you here to care for. But I find comfort in the fact that you are perfectly cared for in a place where there are no tears and no pain. I cannot wait to meet you in that place!
Today has been hard, easier than I expected, but still hard. I had to go back to school today. Life doesn't stop for anyone or anything. I feel like I'm being shoved back in. I don't want to have to keep moving, but I do.
It's not going to be easy.
I will miss you every day.
I will miss you until I meet you in eternity.

You have all my love, Eisley Mei.
xoxo
Momma



read the intro to this post: here

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Letters to Eisley | intro |

This series will be letters that I wrote shortly after losing our daughter, Eisley.
They are few.
They are short.
They are the cries of my heart.

I hope that these letters will bring to light some of the thoughts and emotions that parents feel after losing a child. Those very real emotions that are, far too often, swept under the rug as we're told to "move on."

If you have every experienced the death of a child, whether it be miscarriage, stillborn, infant/child death; I hope that these letters will help. I hope that they will show you that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

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Starting off on a weird note...

I thought I would start off my blog with a little weirdness about myself. I was homeschooled from Pre-K through high school. Here are results of a little quiz that I took to show just how "homeschooled" I was.

// You know you're a homeschooler if...

Growing up/now 
[x] Own/have owned a denim jumper 
[x] You were at least 13 when you got your first "trendy" haircut 
[x] Everything in your closet at some time was referred to as modest 
[ ] You do/have tucked things in that shouldn't be tucked in 
[ ] You have been a member of at least 3 co-ops 
[ ] Your mom drives a van of some sort 
[ ] You have at least one childhood picture where you, your mom, and all you siblings matched 
[ ] You are/were/will be a PSEO Student 
[x] At some point in your life you were more comfortable with adults than kids your own age 
[x] Have studied ways to defend your beliefs, debate, and/or create laws 
[x] Used uber conservative ABeka curriculum 
Total: 6 

[ ] You use big words that most adults could not use in conversation 
[x] You can use the words sublime, epiphany, and cognizant correctly 
[x] You have a favorite word. 
[ ] You have an understanding of Latin root words and how to use them 
[x] People from the outside world are referred to as "public schoolers" 
[x] You or one of your siblings knits. 
[x] You laugh at the decline in literacy in America 
[x] You score constantly higher than "public schoolers" on standardized tests. 
[x] You have no concept of cafeteria food 
[x] Family vacations are/ can be referred to as "Field Trips" 
[x] Traveling on said vacations have included stopping at historical site markers along the way 
[x] You have never been in a public elementary school, middle school, or high school during regular school hours (any or all of the above) 
[x] You have gone to or been involved in a homeschool convention 
Total so far: 17 

[x] You read books on a regular basis. 
[ ] You have taken part in a political protest 
[x] You were a Pride and Prejudice fan before the movie 
[x] You were a Lord of the Rings fan prior to the movie 
[x] You were a Chronicles of Narnia fan before the movie 
[ ] You speak a language other than English 
[ ] You dream of dating characters from books instead of celebrities 
Total so far: 21 

It is (has been) assumed that you:.... 
[ ] Have won many spelling bees 
[x] Have no social life 
[ ] Have no friends of the opposite gender 
[x] Are outstandingly smart 
[ ] Are extremely inept 
[ ] Only listen to classical music 
[ ] Play piano or the violin 
[ ] Do not own a pair of trendy jeans. 
[x] Have no knowledge of drugs or alcohol 
[ ] Don't date, only court. 
[x] Have never been to a "party" 
[x] Know no other beliefs other than what your family believes 
Total so far: 26 

You have been asked more than 10 times: 
[x] If you wear pajamas to school 
[ ] If you get perfect grades because your mom grades you 
[x] If your mom teaches you or if somebody else's mom does 
[x] How do you meet people 
[x] Why you aren't in school 
[x] If you get days off whenever you want 
[x] If you're going to be homeschooled through college 
[x] If you have a big family 
[x] What your parents are protecting you from 
[ ] To quote something famous 
[x] For the answer, because supposedly homeschoolers always have all the answers 
Total so far: 35 

You have rebelled by: 
[x] Listening to "worldly music" 
[x] Wearing black fingernail polish 
[x] Watching a *gasp* PG-13 movie 
[x] Listening to music with a beat (Christian or otherwise) 
[x] Dancing. Especially dances that involve contact for longer than 2 seconds. With somebody of the opposite gender. Scandalous!!! 
Total: 40 


1-10 You're not really a homeschooler...you just do school at home 
11-21 You're a homeschooler, but not what the world expects 
22-32 You're a homeschooler 
33-? You probably wouldn't have facebook to begin with...but congrats you're the stereotypical homeschooler 

There you have it. I am a stereotypical homeschooler.

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